notadiamond

Through several months of therapy, I have come to the conclusion that I want to come to a place where I can truly forgive Amy. Not because she deserves it - gods know she doesn't, and probably doesn't even want it. But I want to be in a place where I rule my feelings, not the other way around. I've also come to the realization that while our society claims to admire people like Nelson Mandella for being able to forgive the people who've hurt them, we glamorize those who get their revenge. How many books/tv shows/movies/songs are about revenge? Most of them, really. It makes for a compelling story. We want to believe the people who hurt us will get their comeuppance. But that's not real life. So if I'm not going to be able to serve Amy a dish of justice, what am I to do? Let the wounds fester? Let her continue to steal my joy? No. I'm going to forgive. No, I'm not there yet. I still relish the idea of karma dealing with her. But I'm working on it. And, for me, part of working on it is reading the real-life stories of those who've walked this path. So, I leave you with words from Desmond Tutu.

I know, I know, it's been AGES since I've posted. I keep starting posts, but my current life keeps interfering with my old ones. heh. But I wanted to re-post this, posted elsewhere by a friend. "Why does she stay with that jerk?"

This showed up on my homepage. Although my heart goes out to this woman (and others like her) it's nice to know I'm not being overly paranoid by locking up my online stuff so tight I have to send out the friend requests.

Woman stalked by her ex-boyfriend posing as another online

Let's see if I can get this embedding thing down:

Getting out of an abusive situation is hard. Very hard. I've been told by multiple counselors that, on average, it takes 7 tries before a person succeeds. But getting out is not enough. It's also necessary to not end up in another one (average is 3 abusive relationships before we wise up). In the mean time, you also have to continue to survive the psycho ones and heal. It's a lot of work.
Now, I'm NOT an expert. Don't take what I have to say on the matter as THE truth. But I want to give you something to think about - If the abuser has given you any indication that he's not just going to let you go, or if he seems unstable, proceed with caution. The idea of him or her following through with anything may seem far-fetched, but are you willing to stake your life on it? Your children's lives? My best advice - get away and let the courts/lawyers handle things whenever possible. Now, I realize this is easier for some than for others. For me, there were no finances to fight over - just the kids. Protect your information. Your location, your job, your school. The less he knows, the harder it is going to be for him to track you down. Lock down your social network pages.
And just because you legally CAN do something, doesn't mean you SHOULD. For example, one little "x" on the restraining order, and I could've maintained my home. But did I really want my soon-to-be ex knowing where I lived? No, not really. That was just asking for trouble. So, although it meant the kids and I no longer had a home, at least we had our lives. And it's not that I didn't take the situation seriously. I know what it is to be homeless. But you can come back from that, if you still have your life. And I did. My life's not how I'd like it to be, but I still have the opportunity to make it so. I'm doing what I can to protect my children and I from becoming part of yet another disturbing statistic:


Last word of advice: assess the source of your advice. If s/he is not an expert in domestic violence, you might wan to think about finding one. Even the best intentions can lead to folly and disaster. And no, having a friend/family member/loved one or personal experience does NOT make one an expert. Even me.

PS - for my own protection, I will not reveal all my recommendations for staying safe. If you are a victim of domestic violence, seek professional guidance. And if you really want to know from a survivor, you can PM me.

This came up on my Pandora tonight. Reminds me of having to face the consequences of believing lies for so long. And then you fall into that sinkhole again. Yeah.

Policy of Truth - Depeche Mode

I left Costco with a tonne of food stuffs and a happy heart. I get giddy every time I go grocery shopping. There is something particularly satisfying about having not only enough, but a surplus to put away for a rainy day. And believe me, I've faced many a rainy day. This seems to have made me a little obsessive about having "enough" - food especially. So I've decided to broaden the scope of this LJ. It is not just about giving insight to Andy, Tentmoot, cults, or moving on. It's really about surviving and healing. It's not an easy process. And there's no guarantee you won't keep stepping in shit. But you learn and grow each time. And maybe, just maybe, eventually you'll be able to smell the shit a mile away and learn to walk down a different sidewalk.


( Autobiography in 5 short chapters )

So, the letters to Sue and the Twins are done. Just one to send off to Sam's mom. I guess I should send some to the celebs, too. But outside of Sean, Jed, Paul, and Brian, I don't know who else was actually involved. That's kinda fucked up, huh? I was supposed to be in the middle of it all, yet I'm clueless. I didn't even meet Brian. Oh, and there's Brett and the Band. I especially owe one of their guys (Matt?) an apology. There is a percieved lie about Jordan's gender. Now, it all gets technical - if Jordan didn't have a legally changed gender, but was living as a man, was it a lie? If I only knew him as a man and wasn't convinced it was the same person born as Amy, is it a lie? If I wasn't doing it to cover, was it a lie? I simply corrected the gender because Jordan is one of those versitile names like Chris, Alex, or Jamie. I would've done it for one of them, why not Jordan, too? Still, there is the perception that I lied. And I'm uncomfortable with that. Yet I don't feel that I did anything wrong. *sigh* I hate these ethical choices. But I guess that if these people came to mind, I'm feeling guilty and should apologize. Besides, it can't hurt, right? I'm not expecting so much as a reply, let alone acceptance from these folks, if they remember me at all. But if I were to ever run into them (which I hope not, btw), I don't have to have a panic attack or run and hide. I can stand tall, chin up, knowing I did the right thing....eventually.

It's amazing how you can think you're over something. Done. Finished. And then you find out you're not, after all. I've had two very interesting conversations over the last two nights. Both started out innocently enough. And then something comes up and you spaz. A forgotten memory rears its ugly head, uninvited. And then you can't stop thinking about it.
The mind is an amazing, yet terrifying place. You can see, feel, and hear things that aren't really there, just because you truly want to. I think this explains many religious experiences. I don't necessarily think those who have visions or whatnot are crazy (though I don't rule out that possibility, either). But I do think that we fulfill our own desires, fantasies, fears, and prophecies.  But we can also block out things we don't want to see, hear, or feel. We've all heard about traumatic events being blocked from our memories to protect us. But I think when things are particularly stressful, we don't retain memories as well. And we choose NOT to process information. We deny. OK, I don't know where I'm going with this. But just...beware. The fabric of reality is....fragile. Even the catholic church requires confirmation of miracles. There's a reason. OK, it might not be a trick of the devil, just your own, epically powerful brain. With the human brain around, who needs demonic (or heavenly) influences? So how do you know what's real? This is a question that has plagued me for YEARS. After leaving the church, I figured I could only trust that which I could detect with my five senses. After Andy and his, uh, friends....I didn't know HOW one was supposed to experience reality. So, yeah. Sometimes I get chilled with the question of whether experiencing something with my senses makes it real. Were Raz and Tai real because my neurons fired off signals indicating a hand on my skin, a voice in my head, that tingling you get when someone's close by, a face? I know I sound like a crazy person right now. And that's ok. I don't really care that much. Because I want you to see that this is what a cult does to you - it drives you crazy. But there is a version of normal that will come eventually. It's just relative.
My first post-cult friend is an example. And it came up in conversation tonight. There was a past. I heard a story. And hey, it wasn't about a plan for my life, it wasn't about characters in a book, it wasn't even about supernatural beings. One of the benefits of befriending an atheist post-cult. Still, I was never sure if his story was true. But I didn't care. It was in this dimension. And he wasn't trying to drag me into anything. And he read Jeanine's book, found it interesting, but didn't judge me. At all. It was a huge relief. That wasn't the thing that took him away from me, which led me to believe there MIGHT be life after Abbey and Andy (I still had to see them every day, as Hollywood really is a small town) I didn't know until recently that this person's past was some big secret to others who were close to him. Which makes me question it more. But it's ok. Because, given a choice, I'd rather say I was friends with someone I didn't know was a murderer (or whatever) than have to admit I believed in hobbits from another dimension. Normal is relative.
OK, so I hope I haven't just earned myself a free stay at the Hotel California. But there it is. Why? For the survivors.