It's been months, but I reached a really good point tonight. Sometimes I let myself dream of owning my own home and save inspirational photographs. Tonight's search led me to Lord of the Rings. I still want a Rivendell - inspired bedroom, damn it! And you know what? It wasn't painful! I've been slowly letting Aphrodite back into my life.
Huh?
In her wonderful book The Goddess in Every Woman: Archetypes in Women's Lives, psychologist Jean Shinoda Bolen uses 7 Greek goddesses to illustrate behavioural patterns. (Yes, there is a book about men, by the same author) I've found that I am heavily influenced by:
Artemis - personification of independent feminine spirit, protector, and hot-headed.
Persephone - as a maiden: lacks conviction, eager to please, easily influenced, naive. As Queen of the Underworld: guide & bringer of hope
Aphrodite - most commonly remembered as the goddess of love and sex, but is also the spirit of creativity, beauty and change
It is this latter part of Aphrodite's character that I want to focus on. She is the one that has inspired me to take up ballet again. To find the good things in life that make it worth living. And to allow myself once more to be inspired by a film that changed my life so much. Without everything that happened after going to that line party, I would probably still be influenced most by the Kore - the young Persephone. Instead, I find myself looking to bring hope and light to others who dwell in the shadows of all kinds of abuse. I am extremely protective of my children - yet not from a Demeter (mother goddess) perspective. But for a long time I've pushed Aphrodite to the side. Afraid to seek out the beautiful things of this world. The things that tempted me down dark pathways. I think of them as the flowers Persephone was gathering when Hades kidnapped her. But now....now I find that I DO have the strength to acknowledge Aphrodite once again.
And it feels good.
- Archetypes, Art, and Aphrodite
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notadiamond- January 14th, 2:22
- Link
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- notadiamond
- October 10th, 2012
Ok, it's been months and months since I've posted. But you know what? It's kind of a good thing. It's a sign that I have a real life. One to live NOW, not just a past to dwell on. I'm not living as a victim, but as a survivor. Anyway, I was brought here today by an article on Huffington Post I wanted to share. Enjoy, and I will catch up with messages soon. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/noelle-r-andrews/psychopath_b_1943840.html?ncid=ed linkusaolp00000009
- A quest
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- notadiamond
- April 14th, 2012
contemplative
Through several months of therapy, I have come to the conclusion that I want to come to a place where I can truly forgive Amy. Not because she deserves it - gods know she doesn't, and probably doesn't even want it. But I want to be in a place where I rule my feelings, not the other way around. I've also come to the realization that while our society claims to admire people like Nelson Mandella for being able to forgive the people who've hurt them, we glamorize those who get their revenge. How many books/tv shows/movies/songs are about revenge? Most of them, really. It makes for a compelling story. We want to believe the people who hurt us will get their comeuppance. But that's not real life. So if I'm not going to be able to serve Amy a dish of justice, what am I to do? Let the wounds fester? Let her continue to steal my joy? No. I'm going to forgive. No, I'm not there yet. I still relish the idea of karma dealing with her. But I'm working on it. And, for me, part of working on it is reading the real-life stories of those who've walked this path. So, I leave you with words from Desmond Tutu.
- Good link
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- notadiamond
- April 10th, 2012
I know, I know, it's been AGES since I've posted. I keep starting posts, but my current life keeps interfering with my old ones. heh. But I wanted to re-post this, posted elsewhere by a friend. "Why does she stay with that jerk?"
- Don't talk to strangers
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- notadiamond
- January 26th, 2012
This showed up on my homepage. Although my heart goes out to this woman (and others like her) it's nice to know I'm not being overly paranoid by locking up my online stuff so tight I have to send out the friend requests.
Woman stalked by her ex-boyfriend posing as another online
- This Time
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- notadiamond
- January 26th, 2012
Let's see if I can get this embedding thing down:
- Poking Badgers with Spoons
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- notadiamond
- January 21st, 2012
jubilant
Getting out of an abusive situation is hard. Very hard. I've been told by multiple counselors that, on average, it takes 7 tries before a person succeeds. But getting out is not enough. It's also necessary to not end up in another one (average is 3 abusive relationships before we wise up). In the mean time, you also have to continue to survive the psycho ones and heal. It's a lot of work.
"81% of women stalked by a current or former intimate partner are also physically assaulted by that partner; 31% are also sexually assaulted by that partner....Approximately one-half of the orders obtained by women against intimate partners who physically assaulted them were violated. More than two-thirds of the restraining orders against intimate partners who raped or stalked the victim were violated." (NCADV)Women who leave their batterers are at 75% greater risk of severe injury or death than those who stay. Source: Barbara Hart, National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1988. (AARDVARC)
Now, I'm NOT an expert. Don't take what I have to say on the matter as THE truth. But I want to give you something to think about - If the abuser has given you any indication that he's not just going to let you go, or if he seems unstable, proceed with caution. The idea of him or her following through with anything may seem far-fetched, but are you willing to stake your life on it? Your children's lives? My best advice - get away and let the courts/lawyers handle things whenever possible. Now, I realize this is easier for some than for others. For me, there were no finances to fight over - just the kids. Protect your information. Your location, your job, your school. The less he knows, the harder it is going to be for him to track you down. Lock down your social network pages.
And just because you legally CAN do something, doesn't mean you SHOULD. For example, one little "x" on the restraining order, and I could've maintained my home. But did I really want my soon-to-be ex knowing where I lived? No, not really. That was just asking for trouble. So, although it meant the kids and I no longer had a home, at least we had our lives. And it's not that I didn't take the situation seriously. I know what it is to be homeless. But you can come back from that, if you still have your life. And I did. My life's not how I'd like it to be, but I still have the opportunity to make it so. I'm doing what I can to protect my children and I from becoming part of yet another disturbing statistic:In 2003, among all female murder victims in the U.S., 30% were slain by their husbands or boyfriends. Source: Uniform Crime Reports of the U.S. 1996, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 2003 (January - June). (AARDVARC)In my research on hard facts, I've found a checklist you may find helpful: Assessing Whether Batterers Will Kill
Last word of advice: assess the source of your advice. If s/he is not an expert in domestic violence, you might wan to think about finding one. Even the best intentions can lead to folly and disaster. And no, having a friend/family member/loved one or personal experience does NOT make one an expert. Even me.
PS - for my own protection, I will not reveal all my recommendations for staying safe. If you are a victim of domestic violence, seek professional guidance. And if you really want to know from a survivor, you can PM me.
- Policy of Truth
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- notadiamond
- January 9th, 2012
anxious
This came up on my Pandora tonight. Reminds me of having to face the consequences of believing lies for so long. And then you fall into that sinkhole again. Yeah.
Policy of Truth - Depeche Mode
- Shopping
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- notadiamond
- January 8th, 2012
I left Costco with a tonne of food stuffs and a happy heart. I get giddy every time I go grocery shopping. There is something particularly satisfying about having not only enough, but a surplus to put away for a rainy day. And believe me, I've faced many a rainy day. This seems to have made me a little obsessive about having "enough" - food especially. So I've decided to broaden the scope of this LJ. It is not just about giving insight to Andy, Tentmoot, cults, or moving on. It's really about surviving and healing. It's not an easy process. And there's no guarantee you won't keep stepping in shit. But you learn and grow each time. And maybe, just maybe, eventually you'll be able to smell the shit a mile away and learn to walk down a different sidewalk.
( Autobiography in 5 short chaptersCollapse )
- Late Night, 2 topics. Anger and Love
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- notadiamond
- January 5th, 2012
I'm still pissed. I won't apologize for this. There's one particular character that makes me angrier than the rest. We had a special connection. Just thinking about it makes me want to stab something. So help me god, if I ever run into him...Now, most therapists will tell you that anger won't do you any good. But I disagree. Anger can really motivate a person like nothing else. That's why there's a special category for "crimes of passion."
Most of the time I feel like I will never have a "normal" relationship. Like romance is so far out of my reach that I shouldn't even bother looking for it. Honestly, I went into my marriage that way. It was a relationship built on common goals, interests, and values (or so I thought). I never thought for a moment there was the tiniest flame of romance. And I was ok with that. The best (most functional) previous relationship I had didn't, either. In fact, there's never been a point in any relationship where romance and practicality coexisted. But I ramble...
There is NOTHING like a close relationship built on lies to piss you off and strip away your trust in humanity. I thank Andy and the gang for that. I hate it when people turn to me for advice - especially relationship advice. No, I lie. I don't hate it. I feel very honored. I hate that I always qualify my responses. Things like, "well, I'm no good at relationships, but..." or "I think love is neuron firings meant to help pass on your genes..." or "I don't agree with marriage, but if you insist..." or "I'm paranoid about relationships; however..." It's no fun. What I said is true, that is how I've come to think of love and marriage. It pisses me off. And it makes me sad. I feel like the butterflies and roses were taken from me. I MISS that. I am both happy and fearful for my friends with romantic interests. But I know I am trying to put their experiences through the same meat grinder my own heart went through, and that's not fair. So I sit back with cool, calculated rationale, occasionally checking through the "red flag" list I've compiled.
It's been said I have a wall around my heart. But that simply isn't true. You can't see through a wall. It's more like a frozen heart, kept in bulletproof glass, protected by laser beams, surrounded by electric and barb-wired fence, guarded by Kodiak bears, encircled by a shrieking eel-infested moat, on the other side of a minefield. You can see my heart, but you can't touch it. It's not going anywhere. It's safe.
And yet, there is hope. Because it DOES bother me. I DO want to feel the butterflies and smell the roses.
That's where the anger comes in. It makes me determined to work through my shit. I'll be damned if this perverted asshole is going to have me spend the rest of my life with a little ache inside my heart, wishing I could trust and love again. Yearning for that naive girl who thought there were possibilities to be shared with others. Now, I don't expect to ever marry again. I don't want to ever give up my independence or need anyone. But I want a romance. And god, damn it. I'm going to have it. Maybe not this year, or even in this decade. But I WILL work through this and give my heart away once more.
